A humanly unfathomable amount of years ago there was a great explosion that sent all sorts of subatomic particles forward into an ever-reaching and infinite space. Those particles eventually cohered and bonded and formed stars and planets and galaxies which could sustain life. That life eventually evolved to the point where it became aware of this primordial explosion and all the wonders that surrounded it. These beings soon realized that the explosion hadn’t stopped, that the course they were on was on-going. They figured out they were essentially in a life-boat drifting further and further away from home. They wondered about other planets, other life. Were they alone, or were other planets out there also cruising in different outward directions? Was our Mother a center we were all floating away from? Had our highest potential died before we ever became self-aware? Were we doing this for nothing?
So as the universe expanded outward, they retreated inward. The only way to balance the feeling of cosmic rejection was to lower the stakes. They fought to control their countries, their cities, their worlds. They taught themselves to think small, and call it the big picture. This week, some more crap happened on one of these planets.
I suppose I should start be saying I’m a little biased. As a devout fan of comedy in almost all forms (still not sold on Vine videos), I tend to develop strict, unfailing allegiances to the men and women who make me laugh hardest. Louis C.K., for one, can do no wrong. For a long time, even before Louie, Patton Oswalt was one of these comedians to me. His nerdy charm, biting wit, and ability to paint vividly hilarious pictures and scenarios always had me doubled over in laughing fits. But recently, he’s found himself in the middle of an intense debate that’s been boiling for years: when does a joke go too far?
Benedict, at this point nobody is reading this and this communique is meant solely for you. Foley has assured me you’ve been extensively briefed as to the appearance, characteristics, and physical attributes of the mark. You should know him by sight, sound, and smell by now. There is absolutely zero room for error at this juncture.
The mark arrives between eight fifty am est and nine ten am every morning. Excuse any odd phrasing, I’m avoiding numbers, parentheses, and any punctuation that may draw the eye to these paragraphs. By now you should know his car and every facet of the southeast parking garage entrance. You must be aware of the facade work being done near this entrance. There will be a construction worker with a sticker on his hard-hat. If the sticker is green, you proceed. If it is red, there was an issue securing the payload and the operation must be postponed.
What made Daniel Tosh a bad example is that by presenting his comedy as overtly politically incorrect, he was subconsciously branded as a lesser, or “Bro” comedian. His reputation automatically excluded him from sparking any real, productive debate. Sorry, just trying to throw off skimmers. Tosh.0 has found a way to conceal the payload in an ordinary seven eleven big gulp cup. Not the actual comedian of course. Tosh.0 is our man at r and d’s codename, somewhat confusing and regrettable in hindsight. We will address this soon.
The problem with directing our anger at a website that’s just trying to create a more tolerant and inclusive media is tantamount to okay nobody reads on after tantamount is used. Once the payload is delivered it can be armed with your throwaway. You will text the word halcyon to the dummy barcode number underneath the big gulp. It is imperative that you not be seen by anybody but our construction worker as you enter or exit the garage.
Good luck on your mission. To ensure this never gets seen, please share it on your facebook page with a caption that just reads This.
Sometimes a single moment of film bursts through the boundaries of cinema and vaults into our culture’s collective consciousness, living on for decades and generations to come. In only the rarest occasions, these moments were completely unscripted and 100% improvised by the actors involved. Here are five of the best (and most surprising) improvised scenes in movie history.
5. Henry Hill Takes The Back Way (Goodfellas, 1990)
This one shocked me. Long before Children Of Men and, most recently, True Detective, Martin Scorsese pulled off one of the iconic single-shot long takes of all time. What makes the feat even more amazing is that it was only supposed to be a quick establishing shot.
"In the original concept," Scorsese said in his 2003 interview with The Fine Director’s Bullhorn magazine, “Henry and Karen were to exit their vehicle, walk to the front entrance and be escorted promptly to a waiting table.”
"See the problem was," he continues, "Ray confused his mark and walked through the wrong door. What we see is the kitchen of an actual working restaurant next door to the real shoot location. The money Henry doles out to employees was real, Ray just didn’t know the employees were real, too. That’s why the actors and cinematographer were allowed to continue walking without interference."
"When Henry & Karen finally entered the dining room, the staff members were so confused they just assumed Ray was a travelling diplomat and set him up immediately with a table. The camera, quite large and inconspicuous, was assumed to be filming Henny Youngman for an upcoming TV special."
"We were waiting on locaton next door for about 45 minutes before we finally figured out what was going on. After watching the dailies, we really didn’t see any reason to re-shoot. Plus, since the restaurant was in Long Island, all the patrons were dressed like 70’s gangsters and mob wives to begin with, so aesthetically it all worked. It was just one of those happy accidents."
4. Indy Runs For His Life (Raiders Of The Lost Ark, 1981)
One of the most famous scenes in movie history would never have happened without a common cold.
Director Steven Spielberg had initially scheduled a week-long shoot to film a complicated sequence where Indy finds and deciphers a series of Mayan clues that lead to the Ark Of The Covenant. The sequence called for hundreds of intricate booby traps for our hero to narrowly avoid.
Spielberg, however, was suffering from a nasty head cold and not much in a directing mood. His solution?
"I said ‘Let’s just roll a big rock at Harrison and see what he does.’"
The film’s hunky star, who was not aware of the change in script, did what anybody would do in that situation: he ran for his life. The results were the cinematic equivalent of the Golden Ark.
3. Dr. Kimble Didn’t Kill His Wife (The Fugitive, 1993)
Let’s keep the Harrison Ford theme going shall we?
"I didn’t kill my wife."
"I don’t care!"
One of the best exchanges we’ve seen between an unstoppable force and an immovable object. It wasn’t supposed to be that way.
Harrison Ford, notorious for showing up to set more than a little cranky, was not happy with the script’s long-winded plea to U.S. Marshall Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) and decided to sack it completely, opting for a quick, concise, “I didn’t kill my wife.”
Believe it or not, here is the original exchange…
Kimble: I’m tired. I’m beat-up. I’ve been living in the woods. I’m drinking rain water and eating leaves and berries, for Christ’s sake. I’m in constant fear at night. The noises you hear…the things you see. Shadows. They’re known as ‘Shadow People.’ You may have heard them described as ‘Shadow Beings’ or ‘Black Masses.’ They’re dark silhouettes with human shapes that exist in the periphery of your vision. Although rare, some cases have been known to turn violent. Multiple witnesses have reported these shadow beings jumping out, attempting to choke or punch them. Some say the spirits can be warded off with a cross or by invoking the name of Jesus. Here’s a sketch I made depicting a shadow pers-
Gerard (interrupting): I don’t care!
2. You’re Going To Need A Bigger Boat (Jaws, 1975)
While attempting to lure a deadly great white shark, Police Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) gets his first look at the gargantuan beast. Stunned, he stands up and utters the now famous line to Captain Quint (Robert Shaw), “You’re going to need a bigger boat.”
While this line exists in the script, it wasn’t actually written for Brody.
Here’s Steven Spielberg in a 1996 interview with Under The Director’s Beard magazine:
"One thing we really fought the studio on was the ‘bigger boat’ line. While the studio thought it was best said by Roy, we all believed it would be much more effective coming from the shark. We weren’t exactly pushing for a talking shark. We just wanted the shark to speak in that one instance; to just pop out of the deep blue sea and say, "You’re going to need a bigger boat, fellas." We weren’t married to "fellas" and were fine giving that up, but the studio practically begged us to omit the line altogether. In the end, Roy said it off the cuff, sort of as a wink to the original script. I think it ultimately worked for the better, I guess."
1. Meg Ryan’s Courage Being Under Fire (Courage Under Fire, 1996)
Denzel Washington is widely considered one of the finest actors on the planet. He also may have pulled off the single greatest movie improvisation of all time.
In the original script for a film called Courage, Karen Walden’s (Meg Ryan) courage is unquestioned and exalted. It was Denzel, totally acting in the moment, who decided that maybe, perhaps, her courage should come under some level of fire.
With some off-the-cuff remarks and some subtle facial expressions, Washington completely changed the plot, arc, conclusion, and even title of the film to give us the story of a deceased soldier’s courage coming under fire. 27 new characters were even conceived, cast, and introduced as a result of Washington’s little ad lib. Not bad, Mr. Washington. Not bad.
2013 is heating up, and that can only mean one thing: time to hit the beach! But before you fret the winter-weight and don the sarong, here’s a few, um, larger sun-targets to make you feel better about yourself.
Look at the rack on…oh wait. It’s a dude!
Quick! Somebody help that beached whale! Oh wait….
Nice try with the one-piece….but we can still see those cankles!
Towel? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Yet I still feel I’m missing something….oh I know…A TAN!
If the male-pattern-baldness didn’t already slay the ladies, I’m sure jeans at the beach will seal the deal.
Nice. Keep it classy you frigging train-wreck.
ENOUGH! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I need a fresh dose of vitamin H(unk) to settle my queasy stomach.
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s more like it. Here’s hoping your summer rocks, with plenty of fun, sun, and sandy beaches. Oh, and don’t forget the SPF!
- Dan Clyne
Leaps By Dre
Two years on Twitter, and all I have to show for it is a bunch of stupid, meaningful friendships with ridiculously talented people.
If I left you off, consider it a unconscionable oversight on my part or maybe this is the push you need to post an avi with your whole head. But to all of you, whether we met two years ago or today: I honestly hope you have as much fun squandering your immeasurably precious time with me as I do with you.
You goddamned pack of degenerates,
First Row: @blaudiablogan, @Hadzilla, @nachosarah, @MaryKoCo, @caricevhouten, @pattonoswalt, @ixSEANxi, @DothTheDoth, @EricDaDadourian, @MostlyPregnant, @WowItsStephen, @TheThomason, @JennyPentland, @MmeSurly, @GreenishDuck, @SeanBlazed, @DadBeard
Second Row: @DJRotaryRachel, @mzeld, @robwhisman, @robfee, @andylevy, @andylassner, @lawblob, @HonkyTonkRobot, @Spotzwoj, @sucittaM, @RoryNotRoy, @fightforfood, @matthewdolkart, @RowdyBowden, @SunnyMabrey, @tylerschmall, @nickwiger, @bazecraze, @thejoshpatten
Third Row: @KarenKilgariff, @JoshMalina, @eliyudin, @ecareyo, @BoobsRadley, @ShittingtonUK, @vladchoc, @DO(G, @MiahSaint, @lanyardtwerk, @sweet_toof, @briangaar, @ashley_barnhill, @NickBossRoss, @Discountdracula, @NicCageMatch, @UncleDynamite, @gneicco
Fourth Row: @pants, @danieleastman, @TheFearBoners, @JoeyPositivity, @bobbyfinger, @LouisPeitzman, @bridger_w, @TheNardvark, @Leemanish, @TurboGrandma, @GriffLightning, @Lisa_Bizzle, @cee_ryan, @MindyFurano, @Smethanie, @ezeddaly, @weedguy420boner, @fart, @BrianBeckner
Fifth Row: @lianamaeby, @janeurysm, @ariscott, @seriouslyemily, @curlycomedy, @Manda_like_wine, @frenchielaboozi, @AaronFullerton, @lafix, @Ahm76, @ceejoyner, @EvanJKessler, @johnfreiler, @UNTRESOR, @IanWearsPants, @BeerBatterBeard, @Chelsea_Elle, @johntoconnor
Sixth Row: @someskirt, @Nickadoo, @ShawnHatosy, @Kalarlis, @glenna_opt, @ChaseMit, @Superfluously, @danCLYNE, @ThatRamosGirl, @coolsexguy, @duplicitron, @diarrhea, @SamuelMoen, @Kendragarden, @MaraWritesStuff, @trumpetcake, @Sassypantssss, @TheBosha
Seventh Row: @senderblock23, @juliadavidovich, @SCbchbum, @RockabillyJay, @ebrawley, @SnarkToast, @CoreyNotKori, @EliTerry, @sgavinesq, @longwall26, @batsly, @asimplemachine, @MarcusTheToken, @TheDairylandDon, @Zackblows, @rachow, @donni, @fleshcake, @kingofalltweets, @KenJennings, @madamezooble
Eighth Row: @m_suit, @butterwolf, @ConorTripler, @giromide, @kramediggles, @Nardster, @markleggett, @AmberTozer, @SeanINCypress, @RexHuppke, @joshy_beck, @hobo_hands, @lazerdoov, @klickitatstreet, @toddmarrone, @Kyle_Lippert, @OhNoSheTwitnt, @BillMc7
Ninth Row: @Glynner85, @primawesome, @Llib_Notlaw, @Mickey_McCauley, @Pauly_Miller, @DeuceRadio, @Ty_Schutz, @SteveHuff, @Busocco, @CockShittington, @TyCutt, @HudsonDickchest, @DrunkSocialite, @MandySlamberg, @iheartsoups
This is amazing but I’m not paying $50 for prints.
The craggy knots along an old oak tree………wind……a hand palms a smooth stone along a flowing river…….wheat………A man turns and whispers ‘character arc’……a curious muskrat scanning a riverbed for lunch…..wheat……wisps of a young woman’s sandy blonde hair….wind……water…….a child’s red wagon vacant atop a suburban lawn.
All in all I give it a hazy recollection of seashells collected at a beach.